The 10 Things I Hate the Most

Ok, so this is not going to be a blog about the 10 things i hate the most, but it seems appropriate.
I hate death.
For a long time, i wished i was dead, right now, not so much anymore, i'm not sure what the reason is for my change of mind, and it might be the magic pills i take every night, but i really dont know why.
When people die around me i think about my own mother's death and i wonder what it would be like to die. i know for her it was difficult, i know she wanted to die, but instead she just slowly deteriorated until she could live no more, until she stopped breathing.. and still her heart wanted to keep on beating. and it did, for a few more minutes.

Sometimes i scare myself when i talk about my mom's death. the actual events of her passin have no effect on me whatsoever. i think about them and it's like it didnt happen, like an out of body experience.

i miss my mom, every day, every day i wonder how she feels about me and the path that my life has taken.. this song explains how i feel.. its sad, but every time i hear this song i get all emo and think about myself



i wonder if she's proud of me, i wonder if she would hate me like my sisters do, i wonder if i would be able to make her proud, and for her to be a part of my life.
i went to the cemetary, i told her how i felt, i told her that i'm gay. she didnt say anything. i cried and i cried and i wonder if she was hugging me, or if she was glad to be dead, glad that she didnt have to deal with my "problem"
i wish there was no guilt in me, i wish i didnt feel like i was making her ashamed. i wonder if that means that i'm ashamed of my own life.

i hate the guilt, i hate the doubts. i hate feeling alone